Dear friends,
The last letter talked about one contributor to personal success as being less personally and emotionally involved with what is happening around us. An agitated heart interferes with our clarity of sight as well as our cognitive ability. So the question becomes, how do we do that without simply closing our hearts? An open heart is essential to living a joyful and productive life. How, then, do we lessen the likelihood and severity of hurts and frustrations? I’m so glad you asked… :-)
There is a difference between emotion and feeling. Emotion starts with a feeling, but then gets coupled with needing the world to be our way. Pure feelings are never about you: Compassion is not about you. Service is not about you. Love is not about you ("I love you when you are nice to me” is not love). Empathy is not about you. Joy is not about you (as opposed to ephemeral happiness).
Emotion is always about you: Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, worry, etc. are always about something being other than how you want it to be. Even service can be polluted. You are helping someone, feel quite joyful about it, but suddenly you notice they are not being grateful enough. Bang, it is now about you and all the joy is gone. Or you are helping an elderly parent, and are truly happy and feel uplifted to do so… until you think about how it is messing up your life. The list of situations that can turn pure feeling into emotion is endless, because the ways in which we want the world to be our way are endless.
In last week’s letter I mentioned a great line from a song I like: "Why multiply grief with despair?” Grief is natural. A heart that aches seeing the suffering in Ukraine or elsewhere is natural, even healthy. But anger about it, resentment about it, disgust with the world, or any other lack of acceptance of reality is what creates despair. We can act to make this world better out of compassion or out of anger. The one leads to joy and the other leads to endless frustration and emotional exhaustion. I have seen the faces of angry environmentalists, teeth clenched and fists raised, and it always occurs to me that they are merely polluting the world in a different way. Action is noble and vital; anger and polarizing accusations or thoughts are not. Every time we think or feel “How could ‘they’ do that..." we distance ourselves from our own humanity and alienate ourselves from the world around us. Compassion sees no “they.” Anger and exasperation can be motivating but they are also destructive.
It is not at all easy to get this right, but as in any human endeavor, success ought to be measured by directional improvement, not absolute success. Work to keep your heart open, but work, too, towards having the things in your life not be about you. The world and those around you are just doing their thing. Our reaction to the world around us is solely our responsibility.
[If this is of deeper interest to you, my book “Freedom From Stress” is available at East West. It covers this and related topics in great detail and includes practices for making progress. 100% of the sales proceeds from the book goes to East West.]
Blessings,
David G., manager
For the Gang at East West