I find it fascinating that almost everyone (at least those of you reading this…!) knows that it is wholly inappropriate to be judgmental, critical, dismissive of others, and negative. Yet how often I find people harbor and easily tolerate those toxic attitudes to those nearest and dearest to them: namely themselves! When I hear the self-talk that goes on within people it strikes me how shocked they would be if those voices were leveled aloud at a friend. Strange, no?
Why is that? Why the dramatic double standard? There is an image that I would like to share that I have often found helpful when talking to friends or to people seeking help: Imagine you are home and your drunk neighbor wanders in and tells you that you are not a human, but that you in fact were born on Mars. Would you panic? Would you run to get a genetic test? Why not? Well, because the notion is preposterous and, being drunk, there is not the slightest reason to believe your neighbor.
Well, I have bad news (that is also good news). There is a drunk neighbor who is constantly talking to you! The problem is that you actually believe him, though he is just as goofy and ridiculous as the fellow described above. He resides in your head. It would be a great boon to become more aware of those voices and to know ever more deeply that the voice is not you. Why do you believe him? You’d be appalled if an actual person spoke about a friend as this person in your head speaks about you. Why the double standard?
The best approach is to notice he is there, and when he gives you absurd information about how unworthy you are, how inadequate you are, what a bad friend/spouse/person you are, just say, “Thanks for sharing. But you can't fool me because I know your opinion is worth virtually nothing. Now go sit in the corner and mind your own business!” Really—try it. It is amazing how once that voice is both noticed and confronted it loses almost all of its power and magnetism. Over time he becomes an amusing occasional guest who wanders in once in a while and spouts nonsense. A ne'er-do-well who, with a slight shift of perspective, becomes an amusing clown rather than a taking-me-down bully and threat.