"...And Now the News"
Dear friends,
Let's just say that for a large number of people, the news is hard to hear these days. I am afraid that there is nothing I can say or do to change what is happening in the world. But I may have some thoughts to share that may help us be less distressed by it.
It is not only the news that is hard, but our resisting reality makes it all the harder. "How can this be happening?" "What's wrong with people?" "I can't believe this!" I have found that when we fight reality in our hearts, it is the heart that loses.
This is not in the slightest a suggestion not to help with—or care about—those things that matter to you and others. But are we helping while centered, motivated by doing what we truly feel is best, or are we helping because "we just can't stand it anymore!" Or maybe not even helping at all and just spending our time and energy being outraged and doomscrolling. I love helping people through my one-on-one counseling and the classes I teach. But I have had to accept that I cannot change the world, or even necessarily any given individual.
There are always two levels going on. Grief, pain, and the like are just part of human life. But we tend to compound the discomfort in various ways. A line from one of my favorite songs is, "Why multiply grief with despair?"
Of course there is pain when negative change happens, but our distress does not help those directly affected, and merely creates a second level of pain. Being frustrated at being stuck in traffic does not make the other cars go away (would that it did!). It just enables us to lose twice instead of once.
This is not in the slightest an exhortation not to care. Closing the heart is not a solution. Many years ago (before commonly used GPS) I taught one of my stress management classes. It speaks about—among other things—how to remain calm and centered during difficult situations. A woman came up to me at the end and said, “My boyfriend is great at this. Why, just last week we were driving at night; it was raining, I was the driver. I had a map in my lap, and it was raining super hard. I turned to him and said, 'I can use some help here,' hoping he’d take the map and navigate. He said cheerily, 'I’m just fine and you seem on it.' " I said, “That’s not what I am talking about! He was just in his own world and not relating to your reality. That's more a closed heart than just staying centered amidst chaos.” (I was softer than that, but you get the idea.)
There is a huge difference between being centered and open-hearted amidst difficult circumstances, and staying calm because you do not care and have buried your heart in a cold kind of detachment. How do we achieve the one without the other? As this letter is already long enough, that important how-to topic will have to wait to be explored next week.
Blessings,
David G., manager
For the staff at East West